The Head Gardener

There are many whose view of God is as some distant clock maker, who having poured Himself into His creation, wound it up and left it to run its course. Stood afar, He is aloof, impervious to the cries for help of a thousand generations.

This may be the imbittered conclusion, of an embattled, defeated believer, bewildered by the disappointment of seemingly unanswered prayers, heart sick by many "hopes deferred."

I walked that path and questioned God's Goodness and care for a dark period of my life.

One of the saddest pages of history I ever read, was in the Holocaust Exhibition in the Imperial War Museum in London. (We Bells know how to have fun birthdays!)

It had felt like a pilgrimage I had to make. Of course, there isn't a moment on that tour where one doesn't feel like weeping. Just as it was concluding however, I saw the lament of a Jew that shattered me.

His prayers to Almighty God had fallen on a stony Heaven. Where was "Abba" when we needed Him?

His conclusion? God was there, but didn't care. I reflected that the poor man DID survive, where many hadn't. But what suffering he must have endured.

It should touch a nerve in us all. WHERE was God. WHY does He allow suffering?

This age old question echoes down through the generations and resounds in our ears today.

It is too great a question to seek to summarise my whirling thoughts into a few smart sentences, but I'll offer one small insight into the breach.

I believe the responsibility for suffering lies at the feet of humanity. Evil abounds. It is everywhere; polluting, spoiling, hurting.

Yet, Goodness is abundant too. Which force prevails is down to us; for God, though being omnipotent, chose to limit Himself to working through mere people, because He wants relationship with us, to empower us, partner with us, to bring His Kingdom of Light, into a world filled with Darkness.

He speaks Hope into the void of Hopelessness; to offer the missing piece.

For myself, I concluded that God, being infinite, eternal, all knowing and seeing, knows better than I do.

I don't set myself as judge of God, telling Him how He could do better. I made a decision, that through times when I didn't understand and kicked against my circumstances, reeled from heartaches, burned with indignation..I was better off sticking WITH God, than walking away.

Trust, is a choice!

We get the freedom as humans, to daily choose which voice we will listen to.

It's simple. There's God on the good side, and an evil figure that Christians call Satan, on the other.

Into the fertile minds of every human, day and night, are seeds looking for a place to land. There are 'good seeds' and 'bad seeds.' Every action and attitude, good and bad, began as a thought.. a seed that wandered, then implanted. It was watered and nurtured until it thrived and bore fruit. Perhaps that thought came to us as something someone spoke, an article we read, a picture we viewed, an incident we witnessed or it just "popped in" while chewing over something, while making dinner or angrily beating cushions.

At that point we make a subconcious choice to either keep it or chuck it. Feed it? Or weed it?

In 2016, at the end of myself, I gave Jesus permission to come and weed out the chokers from my inner world. He didn't hang about! He started by showing me where the crippling anxiety stemmed from.

Years of "sudden" traumas had created in me the expectation of "something bad around the corner.'

I carried a sense of 'foreboding.' Over the years, we'd faced a double suicide in Dean's family and a divorce in mine, accidents and illnesses- all had come 'out of the blue.' Suddenly.

So I had processed these incidents and put myself into a state of continuous red alert.

Guess what I learned? We can't live like that!

It gave me a false sense of being in control, ready for anything. I could "Keep calm and carry on."

Except, that way of living robs every last ounce of strength, peace and joy.

Rather than being in a constant state of readiness, I was in a constant state of unease, at best; fear at worst.

I realised my internal chewings over these initial rude intrusions on our lives, had taken a seed and nurtured it and with every successive calamity, piled on a barrow load of fertiliser.

The result was a monstrous weed that blocked out the sun and was suffocating me slowly. ANXIETY!

Tenderly, Father showed me how He wanted to help me weed this out and to restore the peace and joyful expectation He made me to enjoy. To my surprise, it wasn't some explosive spiritual experience- though it led there. No. It was, initially, a practical exercise.

First, He led me to the Bible and pulled out wisdom from its pages.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (TPT)

We capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One.

Romans 12:2 (TPT)

..but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God's will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in his eyes.

I had to ask myself, on those rare occasions when small children weren't interupting my thought processes constantly, where did I allow my thought patterns to wander? I found that they naturally wandered down negative pathways that were slowly rewiring my brain towards depression. I had to learn to 'take captive every thought' and examine whether each thought lined up with God's thoughts about me, about our family, the world, everything. If it did, it stayed and got watered. Fed. Nurtured.

If it didn't, it was cast out to be trodden on. NOT in my garden, I decided.

This strategy was hard work to start with. My mind liked its familiar paths, however gloomy the walk. I was astonished however, at the speed of transformation. Clouds that had hung heavy over my eyes, began to lift.

Then, Father gave me a practical exercise. I was to write down all those things that were coming up, that made me anxious. It's strange to see it written. I realised I carried a lot of worry on other people's behalf.

We might call it 'caring', but this was 'carrying' stuff I hadn't the grace for.

I was to pray over each item, give it to Him, then await to see and record the outcome.

The biggie was our eldest son's wedding. Joseph and Meghan and all the family were so excited.

But I struggled with silent panicked questions.

It involved a long journey to St Andrews, to celebrate their graduation and wedding in the same week.

What if someone got ill? What if our minibus broke down? What if the hotel messed up our reservation?

And many other pointless concerns. I knew that no matter how carefully I planned for every detail, I could not control a great deal.

So I prayed and felt His reassurance that all would be well and relaxed a little.

I chose to reflect on all the times things HAD gone wrong for us- but how God had NEVER left us alone and always helped us out of the mess we were in. Surely, I could relax in knowing He would supply all the grace I need for every situation. Choosing to nurture THOSE thoughts, brought peace.

The Summer of 2016, starved of oxygen, that weed called anxiety simply withered and died.

WE, Father and I, pulled it out TOGETHER. It was gone.

I ticked off every item on my list and reported that in every case, things turned out BETTER than expected.

Especially, the wedding.

Now, I make a daily choice to water those thoughts that line up with His.

Gardening was the first occupation given to man, in the Garden of Eden. It is to be our primary task too.

If we cannot nurture our 'inner gardens' well, it makes us poorer people in every respect.

Far from being a distant clock maker, my experience with the God I call Father, has taught me that He is The Head Gardener, teaching us how to care for what He has made.

If we co-labour with Him, bearing the digging, tugging and toil, we reap a harvest of peace, of joy and of Goodness.